Ouch! First it was the knees that ached, then it was my ankles, and then a year or two later that nagging pain went to both the elbows and shoulders at almost the same time. I began having visions of a stylish walking cane, walkers with tennis balls on two legs, or even being wheel chair bound by age sixty. Certainly disappearing were the thoughts of retirement next to the golf course or taking long hikes with my active new wife who was twelve years my junior.

Then I found what I thought was a good rheumatologist (arthritis doctor), who led me to believe I was wrong and that there was still lots of active days ahead.   At which time he gave me my first real prescription for a big bottle of pills with instructions to swallow the equivalent two chicken McNuggets after both breakfast and dinner.
Pretty soon the McNuggets began to provide less and less pain relief while my body began to be unable to cope with the bicycle built for two for my granddaughter, let alone play a little catch with my grandson.

So back I went to my friendly doctor who said he understood my dilemma and that there was good news. One of his better drug reps had just given him a bunch of free samples of a smaller pill that would not only be less filling, but that he had been assured that they were dy-no-mite for numbing almost anything.

And they were super convenient since I had to take only one after dinner, preferably after a full meal since these were “occasionally” known to cause acid reflux or trouble in the gastrointestinal tract.I should have known better when he casually mentioned these little buggers were the latest in NSAIDs and mumbledsomething about them being even better than Vioxx.

On my way home I had a flashback of my good friend Harry who had keeled over dead with a heart attack the week after telling me his doctor had sworn to take care of him with a pill that I was almost certain looked like my complimentary packets of biological warfare.

My odyssey continued for another year or so while I not only changed to a more aggressive doctor, but I also had the dubious distinction of introducing three other new and improved medications to my increasingly feeble body. It was one of those which caused me to invest in the stock of Rolaids simply because of stomach acid that had indirectly created a drain on my stock portfolio – - I had begun buying the little white lozenges in boxes of twenty rolls twice weekly.

Once we were able to stop the bleeding ulcer and constant constipation, I actually began thinking of committing some type of dreadful felony that would cause an immediate and permanent visit to the hangman’s gallows.

But then something wonderful happened. My wife had read an article somewhere that there was something new from the far east – from Japan or Korea or somewhere near China. This new thingy was a water machine that was guaranteed to change the blood in my all-but-worn-out body, and to create something I vaguely recalled as being alkaline.

The machines would not only do the alkaline thing, but at the same time they would do something like an oil change on what my wife was calling being too acidic. At first I thought she was just talking about my sense of humor. A tennis playing buddy had told her that the real issue behind all of my whining and crying was simply that my aching joints were full of an acid accumulation which she called uric .

It sounded more like a problem with having to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, however she also told me that her friend’s boy friend had discovered all on his own, that there are no effective medical treatments for these types of degenerative diseases. Now she tells me!

The boy friend guy also seemed to know that this alkaline water would simply melt the build up of acid deposits in my joints, similar to the way that WD-40 would take care of a rusted bolt. It might be that I would get diarrhea or even a mild headache for a day or two, however these were called good signs. Good signs that the water was working it’s magic to detoxify and cleanse my otherwise useless body.

So considering the alternative of a trip to the gallows, it became a prudent decision to accept the advice of my wife’s friend’s boyfriend, who I was by now picturing as someone who could bring real salvation to a troubled marriage.Doubt was the word of the day as I began drinking at least 10 glasses of alkaline water every day.

Pretty soon however I began to notice improved muscle strength (I no longer limped from the TV room to the kitchen), and further, I actually felt like exercising – sort of. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you that I had lost five pounds in less than a month – particularly since I was drinking enough of this alkaline water to begin feeling like a pregnant whale.

That happened while I was beginning to eat not only more (the McNugget sized pills must have left a void in my stomach), but I was also beginning to feel much like my old self. I even bought my grandson a new baseball glove and a Yankee baseball cap. And I am a diehard Philly fan.
The diet had also taken on a more nutritious turn which meant that Pepsi and I would become estranged, while at the same time I would learn to forego chicken wings and red meat for days at a time. I even began to question the real definition of torture and wondered if water boarding would be replacing my nightly deserts.

Then I remembered what it was like not being able to bend over to tie my shoes or lift a leg, just to get my underwear on. I even had flashbacks of swollen knees and having to throw the ball underhanded because of the pain in my joints.

The happy moral to this story is that not only did I get back to an active life, but I also learned that arthritis does not have to be a downward spiral of discomfort and pain, or excessive drugs (prescription medications). While it may not be possible to prevent arthritis, there are certainly some new tricks to reduce the risk of developing the disease and to slow or prevent permanent joint damage.

Maybe I should have just paid more attention back in high school when Mrs. Price kept trying to teach the difference between being acidic and being alkaline.

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